Ideals of Spiritual Friendship - Mutuality

Mutuality

One important difference between friendship and other relationships of care is the presence of some degree of mutuality. I can offer support, counseling or ministry to someone who doesn’t offer anything in exchange, but I can be a friend only to someone who offers the same in return. Friends offer each other what they receive from each other. This reciprocal nature of friendship marks it as distinct from all other relationships of care.

The mutuality that was present in Jesus’ friendship with his disciples is truly remarkable. He didn’t invite them only to be followers but to be friends. And beyond this, he didn’t just offer to be their friend but invited them to be his. Recognizing that friendship are supposed to be mutual and reciprocal, we feel betrayed and used when they aren’t. We complain when we are always on the giving end of a friendship, never on the receiving end. Such a relationship may have depth and significance and may be worthy of being called a relationship of soul care. But we set ourselves up for frustration when we view it as a friendship, for then we expect mutuality. It would be much better to view it as a relationship of ministry or service, in which I give care but don’t expect any in return.

Viewing everyone to whom I extend Christian charity as a friend dilutes the concept of friendship. Similarly, viewing all relationships of pastoral care or Christian nurture as friendships introduces an element of dishonesty. Mutuality, at least at the levels experienced and expected by friends, does not form a part of most relationships of Christian ministry.

The mutuality of a friendship is based on a rhythm in which the giving and the receiving of each will balance over time, not within a given day or week or even a month. But friendships aren’t primarily relationships of care. Primarily they are relationships of soul intimacy. Friends care for each other when this is needed, but that caring isn’t the only dimension of the relationship. If it becomes so, if the mutuality is lost and the shared exploration of the world that was originally motivated by being kindred spirit is missing, the relationship has shifted from a soul friendship to something else.

Mutuality does not mean equality. What Jesus offered the disciples was different from what the disciples offered Jesus. He was the spiritual teacher, they were the students. And yet he called them his friends. It was a relationship of intimacy and mutuality, even if it wasn’t a relationship of equality.